Friendships and a Good Samaritan

Oren and Dad on top of the swingset at Club du Lac Tanganyika


I would have to place Oscars Night among the many things that seem extremely remote and irrelevant to me right now (American Idol would be at the bottom of the list).    Not just that the an opulent display of wealth and glamor is such a contrast to anything around here, but more that we are so much less exposed to what I would call the daily hype of media in every form that exists in the US.  I do log on to the New York Times online daily to see what is going on in the world, but generally my interest is far more engaged with events like what is happening in Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, Nigeria, Congo, and other parts of Africa.  These places are far less remote to me now, not just geographically, but we find that among our friends and acquaintances, more than a few are from countries that are or have been in conflict recently.  Generally, getting information here is a far more proactive process than it is in the US where media competes for one's attention so incessantly.  On the good side, making choices about what to be informed about is refreshing and I do feel less caught up in the 'crisis of the moment' being served up for ratings competition among the media moguls.

I did have a moment of nostalgia though as I remembered the Vassar Repertory Dance Theatre Annual Bardavon Gala was happening this weekend as well.  As former director, this is the 3rd year it has happened since my departure and career shift.  Consequently the last group of freshmen I taught are seniors now.  It is funny how the mind experiences time-- at once these things seem so vivid and yet as distant as if they are memories from my childhood.

But this week had much to keep me engaged--not all good.  It started again with illness, both our cook and David.  That meant that Rebecca and I had to split the morning work on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday between us, going in one at a time rather than together.  This always makes sharing a position tricky as it is not always clear where one left off and we often find ourselves either duplicating tasks or letting them slip through the cracks.

David's illness was not too serious, a bit of fever, maybe a cold, and in fact I had come down with it myself by Wednesday and had it until Friday.  (Rebecca was feeling it by Sunday evening.)

Oren was in excellent health all week and in fact had quite a full week of social engagements beginning on Monday when he went over to see his friend Emily after school.  Tuesday he had Timmy over to his house between morning and afternoon school.  (I don't know if I have mentioned recently that on Tues and Thurs the kids come home for lunch then return to school for an afternoon session.  This is because there is no cafeteria or school lunch program at the Ecole Belge or any school in Burundi.  It means 2 extra car pick ups on those days along with everything else, and they do not coordinate with our workday.)  We often try to coordinate with Zachee and Bridget on Tuesday and Thursday to have one of us take Timmy and Oren to one or the other's house on one day, then vice-versa on the other.  That saves at least one set of pick-ups per week.

Oren is also extremely good with Timmy and they can play together for almost an entire day with little adult input.  (Oren will be sad at some point this year when Timmy's family moves to Canada to live for some time since Timmy is definitely his best friend here.)

Wednesday was also a special treat for Oren as an old friend Kierin, came back to Burundi for a week visit.  Kierin's family moved to Uganda last year from Burundi because of a change in work by his parents.  He had been the only other American child in Oren's class last year.  (This year I think Oren is the only American in the troisieme maternelle (kindergarten) and one of 3 in the entire school (K-12)).

Friday we all went out to Khanna Kazana (Indian food restaurant) together with Joy and Jesse Johnson, our American missionary friends.  Oren and David are about the same ages as their sons Zack and Micah and the four of them had fun tearing in and around the restaurant which has no walls, only an enormous roof.  David was a particular challenge in this regard as he wandered out into the nearby garden and caught an enormous black toad and was very keen to release it onto the floor in the middle of the restaurant.  To try and stop him immediately turned the activity into a game of tag as he would tear away hiding behind other seated groups or weave around the tables in the crowded restaurant in an effort to escape, brandishing the toad like a broad sword and laughing mirthfully the whole time.  In general though, it was an enjoyable evening.

not my photo

Saturday, after exercise, we spent most of the day at the beach.  Oren saw his friend Kierin again and we had a very nice day playing with the kids.  The lake was quite placid and David really enjoyed splashing about in it.  It is interesting for me to see the continued growth of a tourist industry here.  When we first arrived there was basically one place frequented by mzungus, and those were overwhelmingly UN peacekeepers, military contractors, and some die-hard missionaries.  Now there are 'resorts' springing up all along the lakeside and I have seen a steady increase in watersport activities.  Kite boarding is one of the most popular and I saw this sport for the first time in Burundi.  But it is also obvious that sailing, jet skiing, water skiing and fishing are on the rise.

This Saturday though I saw something else new.  Someone flew a small, nearly ultralight sea plane over the hotel and landed it right out on the lake in front of us.  They then took off and flew out toward the mountains of Congo.

Lake Tanganyika is interesting because it is very large, tidal, and the 2nd deepest lake in the World.  It is quite picturesque as well.  We do enjoy swimming in it, but also sitting in the Ubuntu restaurant in the evenings where we frequently see a family of 6 hippos who spend the evenings basking in the shallows there.  It is true the Lake does have hippos and crocodiles, and probably shistosomiasis in some places, but to date I have not heard of anyone being eaten, or killed or becoming sick as a result of swimming there.  So maybe Burundi will be able to market it to water sport enthusiasts.  (As long as Burundians find another place to dump their trash soon!!)

After our day at the beach Saturday, which had the partial intention of wearing out the kids, we actually enjoyed a parents night out.  We were able to recruit a couple of the single young women who are volunteering with some Friends church related NGOs to sit for us.  (They attend my morning exercise class.)  The occasion for a 'date' night was the birthday of Naja Spanner, our Danish friend.  It was a very nice adult party with fabulous food and a very large gathering of friends from the missionary and NGO communities.  We had a very enjoyable evening with friends and got home about 11:00 pm.

Sunday, after church, we had one more social encounter that reminds me of the transiency of the lives of ex pats here.  We went to a 'fire sale' of some friends of ours.  This event was a not so subtle reminder of how unpredictable our lives can be here as ex. pats.  Our friend is a lawyer who works for the UN who has been here with his family for about 2 years.  Their kids attend the Ecole Belge and even take my ballet class.  We got an email from him that told us they were moving in a matter of days to a new assignment and had to sell everything in the house.  (It was a bit sad because the kids and his wife were actually not in the country when this transpired so they left without even a chance to say goodbye.)  We went over to the house which was truly an opportunity for some great deals and we bought a few items from the pantry that could be used by future volunteers.

We passed on a lot of the great toys, electronics, etc. because we have honestly accrued a considerable amount of stuff from other mzungus who have had to leave precipitously and sell or give away everything.  I will say that this is one of the reasons forming community here is a challenge.  While we often feel the need to have relationships with other expats, it is hard because no matter how long one is here, there is an unacknowledged awareness that this situation is temporary, and in fact may change suddenly, unexpectedly, if not for you, then for others in your circle of friends.  It is not, and cannot be, home because of this.

This is not to disparage in any way the close friendships we have made with Burundians.  We do have several Burundian friends that we consider to be very close.  But I have learned now that it is naive to think that making friendships across cultures is simply a matter of extending oneself or 'being nice'.   To begin, I have learned here that even the idea of friendship is a cultural construct and carries very different implications for different cultures.

In our culture, for instance, an intimate friendship is probably based most centrally on shared experience and common interests.  But if someone you consider close asks you regularly for money and is constantly in debt to you, I think you would consider that friend to be superficial at best and a perhaps a manipulative con.

But here, it would be unimaginable to have a relationship called friendship in which exchange of money or other resources was not a regular and expected part of the bargain.  Close friends are ones who you can count on or can count on you for a financial need.  To be in hock a friend is a benefit to both you and the friend, certainly would not be a cause to avoid him.

All that to say, negotiating a friendship across cultures begins with an agreement on what friendship is.  I admit that the Burundian friends I feel closest to are the ones who accept my cultural construct of friendship.  I know that the friends here that ask me for loans or other items from time to time are harder for me to feel comfortable with.  But I wonder if the ones whom I see as close friends on my terms regard the relationship as more superficial than I do.  I guess I should ask.


Probably the low point of the week both culturally and just in terms of misfortune happened to Rebecca on Wednesday evening when she was driving home from work.  Here is her story.

About 1 minute from home, our LandCruiser engine started losing power, and spluttered off as I pulled over to the side of the road. I could not believe what had just happened. So I started the car and prayed that I would make it to the turn off up to our house, just ahead. I did make it that far, and was the next in line to turn off this narrow thoroughfare, but I had to wait half a minute for on-coming traffic. And before I could make the turn, the engine coughed, spluttered, screamed and clouds of black smoke started pouring out from in front and behind. The cars behind were honking. I tried to start the car again -- more pyrotechnics. People started screaming for me to turn off the car. My car was flanked by a crowd of 20 adolescent schoolgirls in uniform, waiting for their parents to pick them up. They were laughing and laughing, calling out mzungu! Obviously, it was such a riot that a foreigner would wind up in mess like this. But meanwhile, the mzungu circus (that's me) was blocking all traffic in all directions. 


Fortunately, one blocked car was driven by Kieren's dad, who had just left our house with Kieren in tow. He hopped out and got to work helping, with one other Burundian man, to push our big old truck off the road. It was no easy task, and meanwhile, the school girls continued to watch and smirk without lifting a finger to help solve the situaiton, even when I begged them to help push.  I must say, this was the most irritating aspect of the experience for me, and I continue to brood over what motivated their thoughtless nastiness.  (Paul reminded me that a group of adolescent girls in any society would not be the cultural ambassadors of choice--unless caddie, cliquish bullying is a sign of goodwill in ones country--so that probably explains it...) 


On the positive side, there was our Good Samaritan (aka our Good Muslim Neighbor). Somehow, he noticed it was me in trouble and walked down the road to help me, and even sent his guard to watch the car while Paul waited for a mechanic.


I (Paul) was struck by the poignancy of the "Good Samaritan" reference--the outsider who truly behaves like the good neighbor.  The girls who stood by and laughed would almost certainly all have been church attending Christians (most everyone is here) but the one who helped was the Muslim foreigner.   Anyone who thinks parables aren't still relevant or may not have anything to teach us as Christians should be warned.

I am going to end here as this is getting long and it is late.  We are going on a team retreat Friday and will be upcountry through the weekend, then off to Rwanda so will probably not post again before midweek next week.  We enjoy your thoughts and comments.