The Guilty Pleasure of Self-Sufficiency and a Family Vacation

"Kowabunga! Surf's UP Dude!"--my brother Jonathan boogie boarding at Ocracoke  Island Beach, NC.


Definitely time to get another post up.  I do a modified writing schedule during home leave because I have thought that our vacation in the US might not be as interesting to read about as our work in Burundi.  But I do remember that we have Burundian and other expat. friends in other countries that probably would like an update.  I also want to have a record of these days as well.  Looking back over last summer's homeleave entries has been inspiring, especially as I find how much my perspective of my 'homeland' has changed from being away for so long.

The biggest challenge that has remained though is the extent to which we filled this vacation with travel.  Although we thought we had done well to limit our activities, I have found that cramming at least two 1 week trips into a 28 day stay has made us feel that we are on the road quite a bit and not really stable.  Don't get me wrong, the opportunity to visit friends and family has been invaluable, but it will probably also make us welcome a return to a more regular, rhythmic routine back in Burundi.

It is good to feel that there are things to look forward to  in returning to Burundi.  There is so much here that is so much more convenient and comfortable--most notably, the way we can walk unnoticed down the street, leave a driveway without opening a gate, go shopping without being asked for money by strangers.  Even occupying a house without having to manage 3 or 4 houseworkers is a relief.  Grassy lawns, public park with playgrounds, sidewalks safely distant from moving traffic are also things I no longer take for granted.  In fact, I was commenting to Rebecca on our long drive to Poughkeepsie yesterday that I regretted that I was not absorbent enough to take it all in, all the beauty and cleanliness here, the green trees, clean air (not smelling of burning charcoal), and even pot-hole free highways with an abundance of food and fuel stops, that we can experience even at 60 miles per hour.

This is not meant to gloss over the many challenges we face as a nation, and I have no desire to add political commentary to my unmediated experience of being here after a long absence, but I think it does one good to be reminded that much of what we take for granted here as entitlements, are actually privileges bought and paid for collectively, and stewarded by our federal, state, and local governments. The contrast to a poor country like Burundi is most notable in this way where good stewardship of the environment and civic infrastructure is minimal to nonexistent.  Security as well is not so much a matter of a well disciplined law enforcement service as a high wall topped with barbed wire, a night guard, and a dog (if you can afford it).

But there are some changes here, even in the relatively brief span of 4 years, I have noticed that my experience in Burundi seems to critique in an interesting way.  It is subtle but I am aware of the extent to which individuals in our culture are becoming more and more isolated from each other, and how much of the technological innovation I have encountered seems to encourage this movement.  Certainly it is evident in information technology, particularly social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, even blogging.  We inhabit in more and more of our time 'virtual communities'.  And while the people in these communities are real enough, we exert far more control and are far less vulnerable in our social interactions than we are in the more brutal 'real world.'  But this was not only evident to me in the information technology domain.  In fact, I have spent many days on the road and have stopped at many gas stations.  I am used to self serve gas, but in the attached convenience stores I found a shocking number of other 'self serve' conveniences,-- coffee, cappuccino, milk shakes, even entire restaurants where one can do short order food through a touch screen.  The very brief interaction with a cashier at the end was the only human contact I found.  I am struck by the extent to which even more machines have replaced the service sector of our economy, especially in convenience stores.  Maybe I am making too much of this, but our desire for self-sufficiency in these places seems to fit in well with this trend of social isolation which enables us to control more and more our social interactions and avoid being vulnerable to others.  Are we moving toward becoming a society of avatars?

I can actually understand the temptation toward this trend, especially when information technology allows us to tailor make 'virtual communities' which agree completely with our sensibilities.  In Burundi, where social interaction is constant and having a moment of privacy is a luxury beyond the reach of most, the idea of having some control is understandable.  As I said above, virtually no one in a home in Burundi is without at least one houseworker.  In a poorer home it is likely to be a 'volunteer' poorer relative.  For us it is a cook, cleaner, and night guard.  All of these folks have lives, hardships, ambitions, and proximity to them makes their business your business.

This goes even more for colleagues, friends, fellow church-members, and acquaintances, in a culture where people rely heavily on non-vitual social networks for very real needs--especially financial ones.  Cross-cultural social interaction can be messy, embarrassing, awkward, as well as deeply rewarding, but it is largely unscripted and one has little control over it.

So all that to say, I am savoring the guilty pleasure of some self-suficient privacy, and shielding from the constant exposure to need that sometimes seems to assault us in Burundi.  I am enjoying not being approached by a waiter, or any person who has an excuse to make my acquaintance to see it as an opportunity to ask for something.  But, I actually don't want to get used to this, or feel it again as an entitlement.  I do think that there is something unhealthy, even dangerous about the trend toward isolation and the radical individualism that is cherished here as a cultural value.

Our old small group reunion.

OK, I did not know I was going to be starting this entry with a sermon.  I usually don't plan ahead what I am going to write.  I do want to report a bit on the activities of the past 2 and a half weeks to share some news with friends.  I am currently writing from Poughkeepsie, New York, our third trip in the past 14 days.  We got here yesterday (Thursday) evening and are staying with Bob and Frances Thompson-Gee (pastor of PUMC and Rebecca's former boss).  We got into town, dropped our stuff off and had a dinner with our old small group.  (Garrett's, McNeill's, Hart's)  It was great to see them though we did see some of them at Rebecca's surprise party 2 weeks prior.  We also actually had a small group prayer and share which was great to do together.  They have continued to meet since we left and it was good to report to them our success in creating such a support group in Burundi as well.

on the ferry

This morning I met with an old friend and spiritual mentor Bruce Hempel who is a part of the KAIROS prison ministry.  It was great to catch up with him and to report back the extent to which my work with KAIROS was probably the most important place of spiritual formation that prepared me for the cross-cultural ministry I am in.  He had news and updates about the work of KAIROS here and a 3 hour breakfast get together seemed like far too short a time to share reflections, joys, and concerns.

Daugthers-in-Law with Abigail.

Backing up from Poughkeepsie, I should mention that we did have a week in Baltimore after Rebecca's party which was filled almost entirely with various doctor and dental visits.  I am happy to say we will be returning to Burundi with clean bills of health.  On Friday (July 27th) our family got in the car and caravaned to North Carolina with Rebecca's brother and sister in law and 2 cousins (Paul, Gwendolyn, Miriam, Gabriel).  Oddly we were heading to different vacations in nearly the same location, the outer banks of North Carolina.  They were going to be with Gwendolyn's family and we were going to spend a week with my family in Ocracoke Island.  We stayed the night at a hotel in NC on Saturday evening.  The kids enjoyed playing together in the hotel room (primarily jumping on beds) while the adults played a card game Rebecca received for her Birthday called 'Dominion'.  I can highly recommend it, but also caution a buyer that it would be best to have someone who knows how to play, teach you how to set it up and use it.

3 brothers in the corner.

We parted ways on Saturday morning and Rebecca and I departed by ferry for Ocracoke Island.  This was my first visit to the outer banks of NC and I have to say, I see why they have such appeal.  Our family arrived first to the rental house where we were staying and we picked up the keys and unloaded our stuff.  The next to arrive was my brother Jonathan and his wife Emma and son Fletcher from Nashville, TN.  My brother Mark with wife Christine and two daughters followed shortly thereafter and my parents finally got there much later that evening having gotten stuck in traffic crossing the sole bridge to the outer banks, a nightmare on Saturday afternoons.

Grandpa and Grammy at the beach.

Once we were all there the vacation really began.  Although one of the families stayed in a nearby house, we pretty much did all of our activities and meals together.  It was great to have everyone on this side of the family together and an increasingly rare event with all of us so spread out.  I don't want to sound like a travel brochure but the outer banks boast some of the most beautifully rustic beaches in the entire country, and even in high season there were relatively few people on the beaches we went to.

My Brother Mark's family

Unlike the exotic coral reef of Zanzibar, the Atlantic East coast beaches are more subtle in their appeal, but their beauty is unmistakable.  There was also a very excellent tidal surf that made for awesome 'boogie boarding'.  Among the very satisfying experiences I had there was the opportunity to teach Oren how to ride the waves and how to dive under the really big ones that would easily crush him and send him in a tumble.  Oren and David both love waves and they had a great time there on the days we spent at the beaches.

We also did other things like ride bicycles, run, a bit of hiking, and many family games (mostly Quirkle, Monopoly, and Dominion) some reading, some watching of the summer Olympics, and a lot of visiting and eating.

Among the more intentional activities we did was afternoon tea for the adults and 2 older girls.  We did have tea, but also took the opportunity to share one by one on a particular topic.  One day we talked about memorable summer vacations of the past, another day we talked about rewards and challenges of the last year, and the last day we shared about hopes and fears for the year ahead.  We ended the last day with some prayer for each other.  It was great to take this time for some intergenerational sharing and to appreciate the time we have with each other.  Maybe living so far from home makes me take these times of togetherness more seriously, or maybe just getting older makes me appreciate them more.  I do feel that living in a place where long life and good health are not guaranteed, the chance to be together with one's loved ones is not to be taken for granted.

food prep.

We returned from Ocracoke the following Saturday and caravaned back with my parents to their house in Baltimore where we stayed for the several days before leaving for Poughkeepsie.  On Sunday we had the chance to go to North Baltimore Mennonite Church, Rebecca's home church in Baltimore, and did a "Missions Moment".  It was good to talk about our work with MCC there, particularly since Ruth Clemens, our friend and boss (Director of MCC International Programs) is also a member there and was there on that Sunday.  Since she and her family had recently visited us, it was good to see them again and remember our time together in Burundi.  We did make an unapologetic appeal for members of the congregation to think about doing a service term with MCC as we are definitely in need of more human resources in our mission.

We spent Monday and Tuesday in Baltimore and the kids got to do a visit to the train museum with Rebecca's parents.  Their cousin Fletcher, who had returned from North Carolina with us (to have a longer visit with Oren and David) accompanied them as did their cousins on Rebecca's side, Miriam and Gabriel.

Tuesday I had the chance to do a long run (12 miles) around a reservoir called Loch Raven.  It is a run I have done at many times in my life, including my wedding day and it is an opportunity for spiritual reflection and renewal.  While I was doing that the boys were taken by Grammy and Rebecca to a mall to get some excellent haircuts (buzz cuts but well done).

MCC office, Colette and Sue.

On Wednesday we left for Poughkeepsie but stopped for a full day in Akron, PA, the home of MCC headquarters where we had a full day of meetings.  (Mercifully the grandparents took the kids for the day to an historic railway exhibit in nearby Strasbourg, PA.

Fletcher introducing Oren to
video games.

We met many people during our visit to Akron, and I mused that we can get a month of work done in a visit there in a matter of hours.  (This is because internet communication still remains slow in Burundi, and getting several people together in one place can be difficult.)  We stayed the night in Akron, and truthfully the MCC USA headquarters has the aesthetic feel of a retreat center as does the quiet rural town.  We enjoyed some time outdoors in the evening at a public park and playground when the kids and grandparents arrived before the latter headed back to Baltimore for the night.

That catches me back up to the beginning of the blog.  I probably will not write again before the weekend after our return to Buja in 2 weeks.  We will be flying back with several of our new volunteers.  In our last week, we will be preaching at PUMC (this Sunday) and at Valley Baptist Church in Maryland next week.  In between Rebecca and I have scheduled a 3 day personal retreat together without the kids at Charter Hall.  Having time alone as a couple seems like the one aspect of renewal we still need in our time here.

rainy days did not stop the fun.

I will end with an amusing cultural anecdote.  In our last week in Buja, during our small group meeting, Rebecca was sharing with a Burundian woman, the need we felt for some time alone as a couple.  She nodded in strong approval of the idea and said:  "Yes it is so important as a couple to have time alone.  You will go to your home and have time with your parents, and he will go to his family and you two will have time with your families to remember your childhoods and the good times you had.  Then when you come back as a couple you will be so happy to be together again because you have missed each other."  Not exactly what Rebecca meant, but probably makes a lot of sense to a Burundian woman who moves to the family into whom she has married and may be treated as an outsider in that family with her husband's loyalty more focused on his mother than her.  But I will say, we have both taken the opportunity to have some time alone, with our respective parents, to enjoy the time we have been blessed to have with all of them even to this day.